Bec’s story

I met my perpetrator in my early 20s, at a really vulnerable point in my life. The sudden death of my dad hit our family hard, and I was struggling to cope.

Our relationship started quickly – and looking back, all the red flags were there. He was emotionally and psychologically abusive, but it was subtle. Harder to see. He was an expert at making me think I was making my own decisions. He convinced me to quit my job, to stop talking to my friends. He told me I had mental health issues and couldn’t look after myself. He made me feel that all I needed was him. I was so isolated. I felt like I couldn’t tell anybody.

When I fell pregnant 6 months into the relationship, that’s when the physical violence started. He hurt me so badly I miscarried. I was devastated. But every time I would leave, he would be so apologetic and loving, promising to change. I would always go back because I believed him. The mental scars from his control and abuse ran so deep.

There were several times he was so violent I ended up in hospital. Doctors didn’t ask the question, and I was an expert at pretending everything was okay.

 

How my situation changed

After around 5 years of being incredibly isolated, I went back to school. Having that time away from him, socialising and making new friends, I started to realise who I used to be. I wanted her back – I wanted to take control of my life again.

The violence escalated around this time because he knew he was losing control. A big turning point was when my nephew was born, and he tried to stop me from seeing him. I put my foot down and he physically assaulted me.

My final lightbulb moment was when he strangled me. I remember saying to myself, ‘if you don’t leave now, you will never leave’. I knew I had to get out, or I would die.

When I look back, I truly have no idea how I survived.

 

Regaining my sense of self

After he strangled me, I reached out to a specialist family violence service who supported me with an escape plan and a mobile phone. I had to wait two weeks for an intervention order so I slept in my car, moving it to a different location everyday so he wouldn’t find me.

The violence and abuse didn’t stop right away, even though I had left the relationship. Despite having an intervention order, he continued to stalk and harass me. It took a long time for me to feel safe again.

 

What the experience taught me

It is never too late to leave. I always thought that everything was my fault, and nobody would believe me. I realise now that none of this was my fault, and nobody has a right to determine where my life goes.

When you’re in the midst of abuse, you feel empty and alone. You don’t feel human. It can be hard to see, but there are places you can go for help. You are worth more than nothing, you’re worth everything.