Ayet’s story

I met my girlfriend when I was in my twenties. She was older than me. Not long after we met we moved in together, away from my friends and family. I became a stepmother to her child, whom I adored. Everything I did had to revolve around her. She told me that she wanted me to have my own opinion but when I did she became angry.

She also didn’t like my close friends or my job, so I gave those up. She began to drink more and became increasingly violent, both verbally and physically. Afterwards she always begged for forgiveness and showered me with love.

I didn’t want to lose her or her child so I stayed and tried to change my views to suit her. I became so dependent on her approval, her money, and her love that I forgot what I needed in life to make me happy.

 

How my situation changed

In the end my girlfriend ended our relationship and threw me out. It was painful but I now see it as a blessing. She never denied her abusive behaviour until recently when she began another relationship. She now won’t let me see her child and was directing her anger towards me.

I hit rock bottom emotionally and fell into a deep depression. I mourned for a long time and began to drink and go out to avoid being alone.

 

Regaining my sense of self

I put together the pieces of my life with the support of a close friend. She saw the depths of pain I was in and literally swooped in to save me. She held on tight to me and let me cry and learn and feel. She listened to me and gave me the encouragement I needed to move on. She helped me see the truth about my relationship rather than accepting what I’d come to believe about myself because of the emotional abuse I’d experienced. 

I soon began therapy, quit drinking, moved back to the city, got a fabulous job and went back to study. I began to rediscover myself in a whole new light.

Even though I have peace within myself, sometimes I still feel hurt that I fell in love with someone who was unable to love me the way I believed she would.

 

What the experience taught me 

Relationships should never be that hard. The right person or people will come into your life and you’ll wonder why you ever stayed so long with an abuser. I found it really helpful seeing a counsellor and having the support of a good friend. Looking back, I wished I had found a way to live separately. Having your own financial independence is so important.