For many families it’s a season of fear, not cheer

Year after year, December is one of the most high-risk times for people experiencing family violence, with the period between 25 December and 1 January often being well above the yearly daily average for family violence incidents, according to Crime Statistics Agency (CSA) data. 

Their figures show that during December 2023, there was an average of 279 family violence incidents per day recorded by Victoria Police. This average increased by 33 per cent on Christmas Day, with 372 family violence incidents recorded. That’s an average of one incident every four minutes.  This is also a very busy time for frontline support services who remain open and ready to assist people experiencing violence over this period. 

 As we brace for another spike over the holidays, I want to emphasise that one woman lost at the hands of men’s violence is one too many.  This year, at least 98 women* have been murdered – and these are only the known cases. There is no official count of family violence homicides, and many victims remain invisible – meaning the true number of deaths is likely much higher than we know. This is the tragic tip of a much larger iceberg.  

Why are the holidays such a high-risk time? 

Family violence is complex – there’s no one particular reason why we see an increase in incidents over the holidays. Some exacerbating factors include increased time at home with the perpetrator, increased use of alcohol and other drugs, and increased levels of financial stress.   

However, it’s important to remember that while these things may exacerbate family violence, they are not the underlying cause. Violence is always a choice.   

But it doesn’t have to be like this. Family and gender-based violence is preventable. It’s everybody’s business, and everybody’s responsibility, every day of the year – we all have a role to play here.  

We know that many people experiencing family violence will never contact the police or reach out for support on their own. Often, it is the people closest to them – their friends, family, neighbours or colleagues – who will be the only ones to notice something is wrong. It’s crucial we all know how to recognise the signs and respond if someone we know is unsafe. 

How can I tell it’s family violence?   

Family violence can take many forms – physical, emotional, financial – and it’s common for a victim survivor to experience several of these. Certainly, physical signs – like unexplained cuts and bruises – are a big red flag, but there are other, more subtle things to look out for.  

Your loved one may be hard to contact, or seem withdrawn and depressed. They may seem particular on edge or anxious when their partner is around. That person may be controlling and jealous, or might call and text your loved one incessantly.  

The main thing is to trust your gut. If you feel like something is wrong, don’t ignore it. 

What can I do to help?   

Find a way to speak with your loved one alone, away from their abuser. Gently share what is worrying you, and ask them if they feel safe. If you’re unsure what to say, this conversation guide is a handy tool. 

Importantly, always approach with kindness and compassion. Don’t judge or blame, and don’t tell them to ‘just leave’. There are many reasons why someone might be unable to leave an abusive relationship. Respect what they’re ready and willing to do and focus on what they need from you. 

If they’re not ready or willing to talk, that’s okay – just let them know you’ll be there for them whenever they need you. 

If they do need help, some practical things you can do include helping them connect with a specialist family violence service. If you’re unsure of what services are available, a good place to start is the list of Victorian services on the Are You Safe At Home? website.   

You can also create a safety plan together, which might include agreeing on a code word or signal they can use if they’re in danger, and keeping copies of important documents at your home in case they need to leave quickly. Even offering things like childcare or assistance with errands can be incredibly helpful and can give them the space to make a plan. 

Knowing someone you care about is experiencing abuse can be deeply upsetting, and it can be hard to know what to do. But you certainly don’t need to be an expert – even the smallest steps can have a huge impact.

This opinion piece first appeared in the Herald Sun (print edition) on 22 December 2024. You can view the original article here.

For 24/7 family violence crisis support and accommodation in Victoria, contact Safe Steps on 1800 015 188. For support and information in other states and territories, contact 1800RESPECT or 1800 737 732.  

If you or someone you know may be at risk of using family violence, contact the Men’s Referral Service on 1300 766 491. 

If someone is in immediate danger, always call Triple Zero (000).  

*There is no complete and official list of every woman and child murdered in Australia. At the time of publishing this article, Destroy the Joint has reported 75 women killed this year. Australian Femicide Watch has recorded 98 women who have lost their lives to violence. 
 
While these numbers are shocking, they are only the ones we know about. Many deaths go unreported and unrecognised as family violence, meaning the true number of women and children killed is likely far greater.